I Hate Seattle

About six months, a major software company in Redmond plucked me out of a rust-belt city on the shores of Lake Erie and brought me to the great Pacific Northwest: so far, that's been great: I I work with world-class people on software used by millions, and I sure as hell can't complain about the pay.

But outside this special milieu, I've come to find the city increasingly intolerable. Now, let me be honest: like most software developers, I'm a little standoffish and a little socially awkward; I'm no Adonis, and I don't particularly care for bright sunlight (the daystar, it burns us!); furthermore, I'll admit I've occasionally indulged in passive-aggression as a way avoid anxiety-provoking face-to-face conflict. Being somewhat self-aware and having read about Seattle's social climate, I thought, "Great! I'll be a perfect fit."

No. Oh boy, no: I was completely unprepared for the onslaught. The snobbery here is outrageous (especially coming, as it often does, from people who drink PBR), and comparing my passive-aggressive tendencies to those of the typical denizen of Capitol Hill is comparing a barfight to a blitzkrieg. Never before have I seen people so completely feign interest in getting together, so intensely sneer at improperly non-comfortist clothing, or so viciously sow rumors about supposed "friends". This insanity seems to be the norm and not some anomaly; I've seen it again and again. It leads you into a cycle of confusion, rage, and cynicism, and perhaps it's the repeated action of this process that turns humans into Seattlites, like the ocean slowly grinding a rock into sand.

I like to think of societies as systems (there's the programmer in me again), and Seattle's is the most frustratingly dysfunctional I've ever seen: the only feedback you ever receive is waking up to find that huge parts of your social network have simply disappeared overnight, impenetrable to text messages, telephone calls, emails, and all reasonable analysis. How the hell are you supposed to form bonds in a mess like that?

I can deal with the lack of decent greasy spoons, the anti-automobile sentiment, and the hills. But are there not enclaves of decent people here? Maybe on the East Side? Or the North? Or the South? Hell, I'd seriously consider an apartment on the bottom of Lake Washington provided it had decent broadband. I don't even know what to make of this place anymore. I won't leave (again, I love my job), but I need to find some way to be a social human being here.

OMG I have so much to say I don't know if I can contain myself. I've lived here for 14 years after living in Boston for several years and growing up in the Midwest. Seriously, I have never encountered more weirdos than I have in Seattle!

Midwesterners are honest people. They're straightforward AND nice at the same time. No bullshit. East Coast people are straightforward but some sensitive folks call it rude. Whatever.

So I moved here and right away started hearing about how pissed the locals are that people are moving here. Really? Why so angry? I hate to break it to you, but Seattle is a big city. It's not Chicago, Boston, NYC, or L.A., but it's a major city that people have heard of. Every big city has people moving in and out at all times. I'm not sure why the yokels here have such a problem with it. Get a grip! Or better yet, move to a small town and start breeding with your family members and shut up!

Regarding the passive-aggressive attitude, the Seattle Freeze, rude people, or whatever you wanna call it - it exists! Even locals will admit it that they're anti-social. I'm a cool, fun, social person, and I cannot tell you how many friends I've "been through" over the years. Many people have come in and out of my life and apparently no one here really values your friendship unless you've known them since birth.

People smile that little disgusting smirk to your face, but as soon as you walk away, they start talking shit. Or they email you and say shit that they're too wimpy to say in person. You know, because they want to be perceived as "nice", which apparently cannot be combined with "genuine" on any level here in Seattle. They've got the definition of "nice" all wrong. I would rather you told me to my face that you didn't like me so I'd stop wasting my time with you. I don't want fake-ass bitches for friends; I like real people, thanks.

And don't get me started on those damn eco-terrorist, earthy-crunchy, self-righteous vegan pseudo-hippies! If you're not glaring at me from your Prius as I drive down the street to my "ugly condo" in my SUV, you're trying to run me down with your bike as I walk through a crosswalk. Oh I'm sorry, does the fact that I am a homeowner bother you? You are free to keep on growing those dredlocks, wearing clothes you found in a dumpster, living in your moldy basement apartment and working at the co-op if you'd like....I prefer a better lifestyle and I'm not going to apologize for it. It's not called gentrification, it's called growing up.

That is all for now....I'm sure I'll get worked up about something else soon....