the end of the road
I don't feel I can make it to another place outside the Northwest, and it'll be the same in the northwest. I don't have enough money to go somewhere and if I did, I'd still have to live in a shelter or in my car when I got there.
I feel I can’t go on living because of having moved here. Unless I am able to move somewhere else just as soon as possible, I won’t make it. Today I went to a doctor at PacMed in Kirkland, and he goaded me, nastily with a sneer, accused me, disagreed in a nasty way, didn’t react positively to my efforts to amend, frustrated me on purpose and delightedly, turned it around so he was the injured party, was passive aggressive with the “I’m sorry you feel that way” denied that what I said another doctor said was true, let up only occasionally because that’s a technique to further abuse someone, otherwise they’d walk out the door.
Today he kept attacking me, putting words in my mouth, insisting I said something and wouldn't allow me to qualify it, or else just basically was calling me a liar. HE DUG IT OUT OF ME what my problem was. Bit by bit, til he got to why why why and because I’m emotionally upset I spilled the beans.I have panic attacks since I came here and a history of depression. He kept needling me until I gradually told him everything. Then he actually got nasty, way over the top defending seattlites all the way down the line and then said “What do you expect me to say? I was born here and grew up here!!!”
I told him that I was born and grew up in Atlanta, but I never took it personally when people came there and complained because I’m not Atlanta, I’m a person. He made me cry several times and I’m so desperate for a doctor because of my physical health that I kept hoping the storm would be over. I even said during a pause that I didn’t blame him for defending his home. He said “Why would you?” He just kept it up and kept it up. I finally told him “You want to win? OK, you win”. He said “No I don’t win”. It's like he was ready for me since he walked in. And has had this argument many times before, trying to win it, trying to win.
I am so upset and frustrated that I feel I can’t keep living if I have to live here. I don’t know why he did it. It was a year ago I saw a neurologist there. She dropped me because I missed 2 appointments, because my manager wouldn’t let me leave without putting it in my file, both times, because there was always a deadline and she was keeping a file on me. I told her “I really need to go to the doctor!“ She said “I would strongly advise you not to be gone.“ I had to miss appointments with my GP, too.
I think the doctor was goading me to see how I would react, so he could put that in my file. He is just out of med school. He got hostile with me, then when he had me talking back to him, he told me I was getting hostile. I said “That’s so typical. Turning it around on me so you’re the injured party”. I don’t let people just walk all over me, and that’s probably why they say he’s popular with the patients, because he shows them who’s boss and being sheep, they need a leader, so they’re happy to remain passive and obey him.
He didn’t show any interest at all in my physical illnesses I brought up 4 times, including that I was at PacMed in the first place because I had seen a specialist, who ordered an ultrasound. Which they won’t get me in for for 3 weeks. I suspect I have cancer, but no one cares. He said for the other things “Well you’d have to schedule a physical for that”. I said alright I will. He said “First things, first. You need to see the specialist first because you’ve sat here and talked about seattle the whole time and we’re running over. Otherwise it would be difficult for me to treat you”. I said “You’re kidding. I am waiting for an ultrasound on my abdomen 3 weeks, I could die. The specialist didn’t do any blood tests, she said my GP would do all that”.
I broke down at the check out and they didn’t care much either. Have you noticed nobody wants to waste tissues on you? The girl who recommended him, saying he’s popular with the patients, did say she was sorry. I couldn’t say “That’s ok” because it isn’t. The other one told me he’s popular, too. I went to the coffee shop, had some milk, calmed down some and went back and talked to the clinic manager. She didn’t react in a hostile manner, she had the deer in the headlights look and was business-like with the “And so what can I do for you today?”
I told her that because I scheduled with another doctor, because the doctor suggested that to me, having not addressed any of my physical concerns, and blaming me for talking about seattle for 45 minutes (I said “WE talked about it. WE.”), I wanted to know if the well was now poisoned against me and I would have the same problem now with the 2nd doctor. She said “I’ll talk to him”. I said “I don’t care about him now. I just want to know how it’s going to be”. I asked about the medical records and if there was negative stuff on there from my first doctor here.
Does anyone know if you can possibly go to a doctor somewhere and not have any medical records? Tell them that you just don’t want to give them to them? They’ll think even worse probably - that you did something violent or something.
I am as far down right now as I have ever been.