I Hate Seattle

I figure it is high time I share some of my thoughts. Like those before me my hatred of Seattle seethed to the point where I typed "I hate Seattle" into Google, just knowing I would find something. Lo and behold, I have found this haven.

I live in a precious little enclave known as Wallingford. I'm sure you've all heard of it. I'm not a home owner -- no, I'm something far worse, something much more dangerous and threatening: a renter. I don't mind this, not at all. It suits my glamorous life of leisure and travel, and I feel very unencumbered by the petty issues facing all of my homeowning neighbors. Let me cut to the chase. I am sick to death of the John Stanford International School's hype. Oh yes, I am well aware of its reputation as being a school of super outstanding excellent excellentness. That part doesn't bother me much; it's the obnoxious own-fart-smell-loving parents who just can't get enough of that wonderful sense of personal validation that comes from knowing that they were personally responsible for planting their seeds in such a privileged neighborhood that is host to the premiere school of all time. Oh yes, I've heard tales of parents from around the city going in on rentals (as groups) in order to have an address near the coveted John Stanford school, all in hopes that their kids wouldn't grow up with the shame that accompanies attendance at any other school. These poor souls were found out, and sent away with their underprivileged and disgraced tails between their legs.

I'm reeking of sarcasm, and I'm not sorry. No! Why? Because that's the only form of communication that is allowed in my shit-eating-grin neighborhood.

So here's the deal: I work in a profession that allows me more than my share of exposure to the JSIS's constituency. Trust me when I say I hear the name of the school several times a day, all with the beaming pride of the fact that little Johnny is learning Japanese through immersion. Or Spanish. Whatever. I'm all for the learning of languages but in Wallingford the trusty JSIS never fails to bring a self-congratulatory smile. I happen to personally know three teachers who work there and they tell me horror stories of the entitlement that is felt by the jerky poo parents of the children there. Not to mention the children themselves.

Imagine my delight when I saw a petition that was circulating in my neighborhood when there was a sudden *GASP* re-draw of the school boundaries that had formerly entitled everyone in "Wallingford" to send their kids to JSIS. Oh no! Did you hear? They're re-opening the dreaded McDonald School! You know, the one with glass shards instead of beauty bark in the playground? The haunted building on Latona? The one where serial killer Robin Williams starred as Father of the Year? That old movie prop? What a joke! These kids are special, you see! They aren't the kind of kids that attend a renovated barn of a school, they should be going to JSIS!

I read the complaints of all of the outraged parents who were being denied the lifeblood known as a John Stanford International. You see, kids north of 46th will to have to attend that pariah factory known as McDonald! OMG! Nooooo! The reasons that were listed as to WHY exactly the McDonald school was such a blight on their existence were just laughable. Item #2 on the petition really made me bust a gut:

"Splitting our neighborhood at the 47th/46th street is wrong. There is a very strong sense of community here that will be divided. The community feeling radiates to the south- meaning we feel a stronger tie to those businesses and homes to the south rather than the north. If Seattle schools hope to foster a sense of community schools this will only undermine that objective."

HAHAHAHA! Sense of community? Are we talking about Seattle here? Anyway, I was pleased that the School Board split the boundary at 46th anyway... I guess there goes that sense of community? HAHAHAHA!

My poor neighbors, their hopes are dashed. They will have to live in the obscurity and mediocrity. Their children will probably grow up anemic and antisocial. Oh wait -- it's Seattle!

The thing that gets me is that McDonald school will surely be one of quality, too, so all of this preemptive despair seems a little weird to me. I recall seeing a suggestion that maybe McDonald could just become another campus of JSIS instead of being called McDonald. Does that name just have a special ring to it? Is it the $ sound of "Stanford," or the word "International," or both?

Maybe the Seattle schools can send out little consolation packages, you know, containing some Crest White Strips or FiberCon or something. Might foster a sense of community.

P.S. I've lived here since the early 90s, and if my story seems a little hate-filled, maybe that explains it.